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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

RAMBO V: REVENGE OF THE WIZARD'S CLOAK

The film opens with RAMBO attempting to make a comeback as a major league baseball pitcher. He is in a field, throwing baseballs at empty milk cans. Suddenly, he is approached by the General.
The General informs him of a terrorist plot to simultaneously blow up every orphanage in the world. "I won't let that happen again," RAMBO says. "Not after what happened to Bobby." It should be noted that, at no time in this or any other RAMBO film are we informed who Bobby is. RAMBO turns and hurls a baseball toward his house, which inexplicably explodes. The next scene, we see RAMBO base-jumping off the Grand Canyon. When he reaches the bottom, there is a herd of wild horses, one of which RAMBO tames and rides back to the top of the canyon. He then jumps the canyon on the horse, leading into a ten-minute montage of RAMBO riding across the U.S., occasionally stopping to perform random good deeds, all set to a screaming hair metal soundtrack (possibly by Ratt or Cinderella). As the music fades, we see that RAMBO has somehow ridden his horse into the jungles of Viet Nam. He is immediately surrounded by an enemy militia, the first wave of whom he kills by throwing his horse at them. He kills militiamen for about 90 minutes, uninterrupted. At some point, RAMBO kills a man we are to assume is the ringleader of the orphanage-blowing-up plot. As he stands in the midst of the carnage he has created, RAMBO is approached by an unidentified young man, who says, "Wow, RAMBO! You managed to save all the orphans in the world, and win the World Series!" Keep in mind, we have not seen Rambo play a single inning of baseball. RAMBO smiles and winks at the camera and the picture freezes and slowly morphs into a baseball card, reading "John Rambo, MVP." Roll credits.

2 comments:

  1. Shame the horse had to die.

    But I like it. Looking forward to the next one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The graphics make this even funnier, which I had not thought possible. Kudos.

    ReplyDelete